(KMG) - no real names needed - I'm "protecting the privacy of people"! :)
"So, as part of Lent I am trying to be honest with people in a public way about things I really think are amazing or special about them. I don't want to write this on your wall because I am not sure of your comfort level, but I want to let you know how brave I think you are. I don't know what happened in your marriage, but I do know you are happy now and that is so very, very important in this life. We only have ONE life and it is far too important to spend it unhappy. So many women stay unhappy and married to the wrong person for a lifetime.I just wanted to say I am proud of you, I really admire your bravery, and I think it is so so great that you are in love and happy."
And I cried. I couldn't reply right away because I was so taken aback (in a good way), I didn't know what words would come out of my mouth. I needed to process.
As I sit here at a coffee shop / pub and listen to some live music on a Saturday night grading papers - I've had one beer and feel inspired to write. What have my Saturday nights become?
It's hard to put into words - either spoken or written - what I feel right now. I'm holding back some serious tears as I sit here in public. This message - from someone whom I share so much with (college sorority values, memories, friends, and spirit) and yet are like strangers (haven't really seen nor talked to in years, were never that super close) touched me in a way that I haven't felt in...well....a really long time.
This is the first, real, time that I am writing/talking publicly about the divorce...
I never made the divorce with my ex a real public thing. I was so embarrassed. No one in the world plans on getting a divorce. No one in the world dreams of one day getting married and then divorcing. As a child, you never say, "One day I'm gonna get a divorce!" I never talked to my best friends about it. I never confided in my parents about it. I did the entire divorce on my own - meaning not really telling anyone about it. I never posted about being unhappy on Facebook. I never posted a message that would really hint to people how unhappy I was. I mean, everyone else in the world seems so happy, right? Everyone posts the good stuff - no one posts the negative.
But everyone knew.
I felt like such a loser - and sometimes still do.
There I was: 30. Divorced. Moving from a house back to an apartment. Starting all over again. Living and working in a city I only moved to to start a life with "my husband".
Again - embarrassing.
At least that's what I thought anyway.
I didn't really know what others thought. I didn't talk to anyone about it. Not my parents. Not my friends. I didn't really have my neighbors anymore to talk to - I gave up most of them when I moved out. (Two of them, though, are still great friends of mine, and I'm so thankful for them!)
At one time I got really upset with my friends. No one ever called and asked me how I was doing. No one ever asked me to go out for a "girl's night" and forget about it all. No one ever asked what my new apartment was like. No one ever emailed me asking about it.
And then I realized.
I never really opened up to anyone about it. Again, I was so embarrassed. I didn't have faith or trust in my friends that they would respect my decision. I mean they are all so happy in their marriages, right? I figured they would judge me.
And let's be honest - they did judge me. They still do. Whether it's a good friend, or just an acquaintance, we all judge. I get that.
No one really knew what I was going through - because I never told anyone.
My fault. I realize that now.
How could I expect something from someone who doesn't even know what's going on? I realized: me being upset, was me being selfish. I wanted pity. I wanted someone to feel sorry for me.
I understand my friends - they all knew what was going on, but I was the first person to get divorced of our "group" of friends - none of my friends have had to see a friend go through that. None of my friends knew how to bring it up. They all "knew" but didn't know. I couldn't be upset or mad at them for not asking me about it - when I was the one who didn't share anything about it. They felt awkward bringing it up like they would upset me. I totally get that! I'd be the same way if I was them!
I can tell you this, though: if you ever know someone who is going through a divorce - DO PRY. Do ask them if they are ok. It's tough. I look back at it all and I'm so proud of myself. I handled it the best way I knew how. Sure, I wish I would have done a lot of things differently - like confided in my friends more. I regret that so much. I should have let in some of my best friends - but I didn't, and now I know better. I've talked to them since, and I know now I can truly confide in them. I've learned that yes, we all judge each other, but at least I know that in the end, they will still be my friends.
So......how does this have to do anything with the Facebook message? With Christ? I mean, after all, my blog is "Dear God..." Well...a lot...
I've been dealing a lot, inside, with the guilt of divorce hanging over my head. I am a Christian. God does not like divorce. But I'm torn. God wants us to be happy, right? But he does not like divorce. So I got a divorce. And I'm happy. Does He forgive me? I know He sees my happiness, but is He upset with my decision?
Can you see how I am torn?
Now - to that FB message...
To be called BRAVE.
To have someone consider my COMFORT LEVEL.
To know that someone out there can see MY HAPPINESS.
To know that someone out there can see how IN LOVE I am.
To know that someone else realizes that this life is short and we only have one and that we DESRVE to be HAPPY.
To be PROUD of me for my decision.
To ADMIRE me for my decision.
That means everything to me.
No one has said that to me before - expect for one person (the man I am with now - but he's kind of biased, ha! ;-) ).
So to hear it from someone whom I am not super close with - makes it that more heartfelt and touching.
I know I did the right thing. I am more in love today than I knew was possible. Sometimes I don't think it's real - it's that amazing. This is what love should be.
I hate that my happiness was at the expense of someone else. That kills me. I pray for my ex all the time. I hope he finds true love and true happiness like I have found. It hurts me to know that he did not want this - but in the long run - I think he will see our marriage was rushed and wrong.
Being in a loveless, unhappy marriage is probably one of the worst ways to live a life. My heart goes out to anyone who is currently unhappy in their marriage, and I pray that they will find peace and the courage to either work it out, or step away from it.
I thank KMG for being honest. For opening up. For recognizing my unexpected plan in life. For taking the few minutes out of her busy day to write me a message and to make a huge impact on someone else's life - mine. To have the guts to say something to me about it.
I feel and am thinking so much more than I can write at the moment, but I just cannot put it into words. So I'll end it here.
Dear God -
Please look over and bless KMG, her family, and friends. Please reach out to her so that she knows that her short note meant a lot to me. She is truly spreading Your word through simple messages. Please give her strength to continue her plan with Lent so that she impacts others as she has me.
Dear God -
I pray to You, now, that I find peace in knowing that You do forgive me and You are happy for my happiness. I pray that I gain an understanding that it's ok to be happy. Please help me to know that it's ok to feel this loved. It's ok to admit my mistakes and move on. I pray that you bless the relationship that I am currently in and continue to show others that love is good.