Living a life with purpose...

This past weekend I had the best time reconnecting with some of my sorority sisters in our old chapter house. Wow, did that bring back sooooo many awesome memories, I sure miss those days. With that in mind, I decided that I really wanted to bring Alpha Gamma Delta back into my life...all of what it stands for, why I joined, and what it means to truly be an Alpha Gam. What better way to do that than to live out the Purpose? I love the Alpha Gamma Delta saying "Live a life of a Puropse" and therefore I decided to actually try it out. You may wonder why I am posting this on my "Dear God" blog and the answer is simple - I realized that much of living out this purpose - is very much like living a Christian life! I decided that I would try to focus on a new line each few weeks or so. Starting with the first line of the Purpose, "To gain understanding that wisdom may be vouchsafed to me..." In other words, to acquire intelligence of what is right / acknowledge that wisdom is a gift and therefore should be respected and appreciated. Being smart is a good thing - luckily I am a teacher and love learning and value education - so this is an easy one for me!  In order to live out this line of the Purpose, I plan on learning on something new every day and sharing what I have learned with others. This could simply be a little tidbit or random fact, a new word, or maybe something more in depth like a new teaching strategy...but what better way to incorporate this with my "Dear God" blog but with learning something new from the Bible??? So, that's my plan...Stay tuned...a few things here and there as to what I have learned and taken with me...Thanks Alpha Gamma Delta and thanks to The Lord for supplying me with the idea and for being able to learn and gain so much more!!!! :)

Kindness. Honesty. Truth.

I received this message last night through Facebook:

(KMG) - no real names needed - I'm "protecting the privacy of people"! :)

"So, as part of Lent I am trying to be honest with people in a public way about things I really think are amazing or special about them. I don't want to write this on your wall because I am not sure of your comfort level, but I want to let you know how brave I think you are. I don't know what happened in your marriage, but I do know you are happy now and that is so very, very important in this life. We only have ONE life and it is far too important to spend it unhappy. So many women stay unhappy and married to the wrong person for a lifetime.I just wanted to say I am proud of you, I really admire your bravery, and I think it is so so great that you are in love and happy." 

And I cried. I couldn't reply right away because I was so taken aback (in a good way), I didn't know what words would come out of my mouth. I needed to process. 

As I sit here at a coffee shop / pub and listen to some live music on a Saturday night grading papers - I've had one beer and feel inspired to write. What have my Saturday nights become? 

It's hard to put into words - either spoken or written - what I feel right now. I'm holding back some serious tears as I sit here in public. This message - from someone whom I share so much with (college sorority values, memories, friends, and spirit) and yet are like strangers (haven't really seen nor talked to in years, were never that super close) touched me in a way that I haven't felt in...well....a really long time. 

This is the first, real, time that I am writing/talking publicly about the divorce...

I never made the divorce with my ex a real public thing. I was so embarrassed. No one in the world plans on getting a divorce. No one in the world dreams of one day getting married and then divorcing. As a child, you never say, "One day I'm gonna get a divorce!" I never talked to my best friends about it. I never confided in my parents about it. I did the entire divorce on my own - meaning not really telling anyone about it. I never posted about being unhappy on Facebook. I never posted a message that would really hint to people how unhappy I was. I mean, everyone else in the world seems so happy, right? Everyone posts the good stuff - no one posts the negative. 

But everyone knew. 

I felt like such a loser - and sometimes still do.

There I was: 30. Divorced. Moving from a house back to an apartment. Starting all over again. Living and working in a city I only moved to to start a life with "my husband". 

Again - embarrassing. 

At least that's what I thought anyway. 

I didn't really know what others thought. I didn't talk to anyone about it. Not my parents. Not my friends. I didn't really have my neighbors anymore to talk to - I gave up most of them when I moved out. (Two of them, though, are still great friends of mine, and I'm so thankful for them!)

At one time I got really upset with my friends. No one ever called and asked me how I was doing. No one ever asked me to go out for a "girl's night" and forget about it all. No one ever asked what my new apartment was like. No one ever emailed me asking about it. 

And then I realized. 

I never really opened up to anyone about it. Again, I was so embarrassed. I didn't have faith or trust in my friends that they would respect my decision. I mean they are all so happy in their marriages, right?  I figured they would judge me. 

And let's be honest - they did judge me. They still do. Whether it's a good friend, or just an acquaintance, we all judge. I get that. 

No one really knew what I was going through  - because I never told anyone. 

My fault. I realize that now. 

How could I expect something from someone who doesn't even know what's going on? I realized: me being upset, was me being selfish. I wanted pity. I wanted someone to feel sorry for me. 

I understand my friends - they all knew what was going on, but I was the first person to get divorced of our "group" of friends - none of my friends have had to see a friend go through that. None of my friends knew how to bring it up. They all "knew" but didn't know. I couldn't be upset or mad at them for not asking me about it - when I was the one who didn't share anything about it. They felt awkward bringing it up like they would upset me. I totally get that! I'd be the same way if I was them!

I can tell you this, though: if you ever know someone who is going through a divorce - DO PRY. Do ask them if they are ok. It's tough. I look back at it all and I'm so proud of myself. I handled it the best way I knew how. Sure, I wish I would have done a lot of things differently - like confided in my friends more. I regret that so much. I should have let in some of my best friends - but I didn't, and now I know better. I've talked to them since, and I know now I can truly confide in them. I've learned that yes, we all judge each other, but at least I know that in the end, they will still be my friends. 

So......how does this have to do anything with the Facebook message? With Christ? I mean, after all, my blog is "Dear God..." Well...a lot...

I've been dealing a lot, inside, with the guilt of divorce hanging over my head. I am a Christian. God does not like divorce. But I'm torn. God wants us to be happy, right? But he does not like divorce. So I got a divorce. And I'm happy. Does He forgive me? I know He sees my happiness, but is He upset with my decision? 

Can you see how I am torn? 

Now - to that FB message...

To be called BRAVE. 

To have someone consider my COMFORT LEVEL. 

To know that someone out there can see MY HAPPINESS. 

To know that someone out there can see how IN LOVE I am.

To know that someone else realizes that this life is short and we only have one and that we DESRVE to be HAPPY.

To be PROUD of me for my decision. 

To ADMIRE me for my decision. 

That means everything to me.

No one has said that to me before - expect for one person (the man I am with now - but he's kind of biased, ha! ;-) ). 

So to hear it from someone whom I am not super close with - makes it that more heartfelt and touching. 

Special.

I know I did the right thing. I am more in love today than I knew was possible. Sometimes I don't think it's real - it's that amazing.  This is what love should be. 

I hate that my happiness was at the expense of someone else. That kills me. I pray for my ex all the time. I hope he finds true love and true happiness like I have found. It hurts me to know that he did not want this - but in the long run - I think he will see our marriage was rushed and wrong. 

Being in a loveless, unhappy marriage is probably one of the worst ways to live a life. My heart goes out to anyone who is currently unhappy in their marriage, and I pray that they will find peace and the courage to either work it out, or step away from it. 

I thank KMG for being honest. For opening up. For recognizing my unexpected plan in life. For taking the few minutes out of her busy day to write me a message and to make a huge impact on someone else's life - mine. To have the guts to say something to me about it. 

I feel and am thinking so much more than I can write at the moment, but I just cannot put it into words. So I'll end it here.

Dear God - 

Please look over and bless KMG, her family, and friends. Please reach out to her so that she knows that her short note meant a lot to me. She is truly spreading Your word through simple messages. Please give her strength to continue her plan with Lent so that she impacts others as she has me. 

Dear God - 

I pray to You, now, that I find peace in knowing that You do forgive me and You are happy for my happiness. I pray that I gain an understanding that it's ok to be happy. Please help me to know that it's ok to feel this loved. It's ok to admit my mistakes and move on. I pray that you bless the relationship that I am currently in and continue to show others that love is good.  

New Year - Same old me

I wish I could have titled this, "New Year, New Me", but in reality I'm still just the same person.

I wish I was more confident in who I am at this moment, and I'm only down on myself because looking back at this past year, I wish I would have done more -

• done more with my life in terms of my relationships with loved ones and friends
• more with my life in terms of professionally and my career
• more in my life in terms of what I want to accomplish like writing a book and blogging more and selling crafts
• and of course more in my life in terms of my relationship with Christ

I have a "to blog about" list sitting right here next to me, and my hope is to get to that sometime this week....we will see....

Why am I not taking more time right now to blog???? Well, that's simple - I start work again tomorrow after having 18 days off - and I need all the sleep I can get at the moment before my life begins to revolve around 180 7th graders.   :)

Words that speak to me

I could not have said it better myself! Thanks to Holley Gerth's blog, I know I'm not alone. 

She posted today:

"The reason why I write the way I do is because I need to hear it too.

Because sometimes I forget I’m loved.

Some nights it’s hard to wait for dawn.

Some moments I struggle to be strong.

I write what I need to remember. Words are the trail markers I leave on the journey of life so I can say, “Oh, yes, I’ve passed this way before. Now I know how to move past this place again.”

I’ve struggled with depression.

I was once diagnosed with social anxiety.

I’ve walked the valleys.

It’s not where I live now. But I’ve been there. And sometimes I go back.

Don’t we all?

I forget to tell you that sometimes–to say that if you ever get the idea I have it all together that you shouldn’t believe it. That I sweat and cry the ugly cry and have dust bunnies and bad hair days and I whine and I sometimes completely forget that I’m already amazing.

I write to find my way home.

I write to reconnect with Love.

I write to know I’m not alone. And because of you, I’m not.

Thanks for sharing the journey with me. In case you didn’t know, I appreciate you even more than words can convey. I’m glad we’re in this together.

Just as we are.

And not yet all we will be.

Our best is still ahead."

Goodness! It sounds just like what I wrote yesterday...in some ways. God is funny...the way He works is always surprising me and making me shake my head in awe....and then I smile, laugh, and say to myself, "I should have known He'd answer me!"

:)

God is GOOD.

Isaiah 41:10

This is probably my favorite and most inspirational Bible verse: 

"Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand." 

If you know me well, you know that I tend to suffer from depression. It sucks. I'd like to say that it's something I can control; something that I can just stop from happening. But if you have ever been diagnosed with depression, you know that's not how it works. Things just happen - you get depressed about it - you say things you shouldn't - you feel things you don't want to feel - you think things you don't want to admit. 

I take medicine for it - I call them my "crazy drugs". I've been to see doctors - I call them my "crazy doctors". I'm ashamed of my depression and I am embarrassed about it. Why? I ask myself. Why me? Why God, am I like this?!?! 

Sometimes it overcomes me. It truly does take over. And for no reason at all. For once in my life, I'd like to say that I am happy. I have someone who loves me more than anything; and I can honestly say the same about him. I have a great job. My family is healthy, my friends are doing well, Autumn is here - my favorite season. Realistically, my life is GREAT.  

Yet, last night, I took out all my anger, frustrations, and annoyance on the one person who loves me the most. I cried myself to sleep. I said things like, "I hate my life", "Why can't I know how to be happy?", "I need to go to church and pray for hope and patience that my life with turn around". I know I hurt the person who loves me most by saying these things because in reality - he has made my life better. Oh, and I didn't even go to church this morning. Strike. 

How come, out of nowhere, I just get sad? How is God working in my life? My mind? My heart and spirit? Is He working at all? If so, why then, do I get like this??! Where's the Holy Spirit when I need it most? I realize He is there all the time - I'm just not "seeing" Him or hearing Him.

The sad thing is - I don't even know why I was crying last night. I don't even know what I was sad about. What I was depressed about. What is so bad with my life? Nothing. My life is really fantastic! 

I hate depression. Why does it exist? Why can't I just BE HAPPY? Why isn't it easy for me to smile, let go of worry, and just BE?  Be in love. Be in the moment. Be thankful. Why can't I just feel those things - always? I've realized that I can - but I may just need to work on it.

That's when this verse, (as always, God works in mysterious ways), came into my thoughts. I am falling backwards. Into a pit that I've been in before, and I don't want to go back there. And I don't have to go back there - if I have any say in the matter - I won't go back there. 

I need to TRUST in HIM. I need to ASK HIM for HELP. I need to LISTEN to HIM. 

I cried last night, out loud, "Why God? Why am I like this? Why does this happen to me?" Of course, I didn't get an answer right away - and not an obvious answer of course. Instead I got two answers in unexpected ways: 

1. Texts from my love stating things along the lines of: "You can push me away all you want, but I am not going anywhere. We will work on this together. All I want to do is to try to understand and if you'll let me, help." 

2. This verse from the book of Isaiah.

I always say this: My life is always better when I am going to church, studying His word, blogging on this site,  doing Bible studies, etc. Yet, as always, I seem to not do all those things - I get too wrapped up in "other" stuff. 

I like to think that in a strange way, God is using my depression as a way to get me to turn TO Him, instead of turning away from Him. So, I've decided to really focus, once and for all, on turning TO Him - for strength, guidance, hope. At least, this is what I am telling myself. 

Ironically while Autumn is my favorite time of year and my favorite season, it's also the time in which my depression really kicks in. Originally I was first diagnosed with seasonal depression - so now's the time in which I really begin to feel it. 

I need to let others help me. I need to realize that it's ok to have help - especially from those who want to help and those who love me.  And well, duh - isn't that God? Duh. What's wrong with me? He doesn't want me to feel like this. He doesn't want me crying myself to sleep at night. He doesn't want me to suffer with thoughts of hating my life. 

Ha, it's amazing what blogging / writing your thoughts out can really do for the soul. As I sit here (tears streaming down, in a public coffee shop, feeling embarrassed that everyone is looking at me cry...) and reflect, it all seems so easy. So simple. And maybe it all really is - simple. 

Trust in the Lord - for He will guide me. 
Pray to the Lord - and He will answer me. 

What am I afraid of? It can't hurt to try, right? 

"Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand." 

Simply Stated: I "heart" MY JOB.

Today was the second day of my 7th year as a teacher. I have 180 7th graders. I am a teacher.

I could go on and on about all that we do, the days we spend planning and grading lessons and homework, the nasty emails we sometimes get from parents, the amount we get paid, how much money I spend out of pocket.... And sure I can boast that I have summers off and holiday breaks, and only "work" from 7-3. 

But sure enough, what I'd rather tell you is...

• how I make it a goal of mine to know EACH of my students' names by day three - and I usually succeed. Shows them I VALUE each and every one of them as their own.
• that every once in a while a parent email comes through that is POSITIVE and tells me how I make a difference or help their student - and it resonates for weeks. Makes all the bad emails worth it for just ONE awesome one. 
• that I cannot explain the JOY I have when the students and I get completely off the subject and instead share stories of our personal lives - and I can remember that they are only 12/13 and still just KIDS. I can relive my own MEMORIES through them. 
• it's a BLESSING to go to work for 180 days and know that each day will be different and fun and unexpected. FLEXIBILITY is key. 
• that my job may not supply me with the best technology but that it does supply me with joy, freedom to teach, respect, gratitude, and the chance to meet 180 UNIQUE individuals. Everyone brings something DIFFERENT to the class. 
• that you don't become a teacher to get RICH with money. But that you end up so much richer in ways that really matter because of the STUDENTS.
• it's so cool to be able to create unique lessons that represent US and show our students who WE are as individuals. Let us be their ROLE MODEL. 
• that over the summer I only HOPE to bump into students because I miss them. They make my life BRIGHTER. 
• that I ADMIRE and look up to my students. I only hope I TEACH them as much as they teach me. 

I found this prayer for teachers online - no one claims to have written it - but it really stuck with me. It pretty much sums up what I want from this school year. 

Lord, guide me to be a teacher who impacts my students in a positive, loving way. Let them look at me and have them find your glory. 

Freedom, Liberties, and Independence...Day

With July 4th being tomorrow, there is so much hype in this country. Sales are right around the corner at tons of stores, families and neighbors and friends all gathering for bbq's, grills are being gassed up and lit, bottle rockets are flying, and [hopefully] somewhere fireworks are being set off (I say "hopefully" because most counties in the state of IN have placed firework bans because of the extreme dry conditions).

We, as Americans, take this one day specifically as a time to celebrate our freedoms and liberties of living in the United States. I understand the importance of having one day to focus on such a right and gather to celebrate. There's something to say about the unity of all coming together to honor the same principle. In no way am I saying that having a specific day to celebrate is wrong! But, I started thinking today how many of us probably take those freedoms and liberties for granted. Why do we only pause this one specific day to recognize all that we have as Americans? We should do it more often! And why not? Who doesn't like a good party with family and friends?

Then I began thinking some more...about freedoms, liberties, and independence...and being a Christian. We have July 4th as a day to celebrate these ideals as Americans, but what about having one specific day in which we take time and focus on our freedoms, liberties, and independence that we receive by becoming a Christian?  There is no day for that - no day in which we all gather together and grill out or light up the sky with dynamite to show our honor and appreciation towards Christ. Sure, some would say we do that every week at church - but I'm talking about a celebration; a party! How many of us take these values of being a Christian for granted?

• Freedom: Jesus died for us so that we could be free - free of sin and free to live in an eternal life with Him. 
• Liberty: Just believing in Christ is a liberty we choose. 
• Independence: Well, those of us who are believers all got to that point at different times and stages of our lives. It was an independent experience, and will continue to be. Each of has a unique journey.

What better way to celebrate independence, than that of the day each of us chose to surrender our lives over to Him? Wouldn't it be cool if we each had our own Independence Day? We would celebrate the day we submitted our lives to Christ and let Him lead. It would be the day we admitted to ourselves, to Him, and to others that He has control of our lives and we don't. Light up the fireworks - draw words in the air with sparklers - and eat a lot of hot dogs and brownies - Let freedom ring! For I am declaring myself a Christian! Doesn't that sound awesome?!?! (Now, I'm still on my path to getting to this point, but let me tell you - I cannot wait for that day, and surely, I should probably throw a party when that day comes!) 

When it comes down to being a Christian and what's truly important in our lives, where is the focus usually at between these two "Independence Days"? What do we celebrate more? Being a free and independent nation? Or being a free and independent Christian? For which one do we throw a big party and gather and celebrate with loved ones? 

I don't want to underestimate or downplay the independence of our country - it surely deserves much celebration and recognition. It is important for us as Americans to honor our country and the freedoms we have! I'm simply proposing something to think about. 

I think it's safe to say that our Founding Fathers had something in mind when they decided on the sayings, "In God We Trust" and "One Nation Under God," to be present in and on so many important pieces of American history and literature. 

With that, I will leave you with this prayer: 

Lord, thank you for allowing us the rights and liberties we have as Americans in this country. Thank you for all those who have fought to protect us over the years and continue to do so. Please watch over all those celebrating the 4th of July and keep everyone safe. Lord, please help myself and others to recognize the importance of our own, personal independence days and help us each to see that day should also be one of celebration. In all, I pray that each American and Christian take time out not only tomorrow, but throughout the year, to be thankful for and appreciate all the freedoms, liberties, and independence we have as both living in this great country and being a believer in You. Amen. 

I found some inspiration for this post here.