Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Hello, Goodbye

I'm not ready to write this post. I'm never good at goodbyes. I don't know where to begin, because I feel like I have too much to say and so much to write. I know God has led me back home...I've always called it my "home". Illinois. Where my parents and brother are, where I hope someday my sister will be. It's where I grew up. I never considered Michigan my home, and I never truly considered Indiana my home either.  Excited isn't the word - "ready" is more like it. I'm ready to be back in Illinois.

Yet, when one moves, there are always goodbyes. That's just it...a GOOD bye. Happy. Positive. Good.

I'm not sad about leaving Indiana. Yeah, I'm actually more devastated that I am not teaching; starting a new school year. That is the worst thing for me right now. For the past seven years, the night before a new school year begins I pick out my "first day" outfit and have trouble sleeping.  Tonight, however, I can stay up late, watch Netflix, and pack. I hate tonight.

I know God lead me to be a teacher. I know He knows my heart is in the classroom, with the students.

Today and tonight, I met up with some of the coolest, sweetest, young adults I know. My former students who have made such an impact on my life - and I hope I made a strong impact on theirs as well. I could go on and on about them, and how much I depend on my students throughout the year for laughter and insight and reality checks, how much they each teach me, how much they impact my life...but actually I could probably write a novel about it.

Maybe someday I will.

My brain is racing. My thoughts scattered.

I don't have a job. I won't be teaching. I'm saying goodbye to some great co-workers, college friends, and new friends. I love this town - city feel and country feel. I hate packing and moving. I haven't slept well in two weeks because I'm so stressed out. Our new place is ghetto and I hate it. So much to do...get a new license, register my care. I won't have insurance. Find a new vet.....Ugh!

There. Done. I let it all out. Vent.

Move on. Get over it.

So, I'm looking towards the positive. The future.  Lord, you know my faults. You know when it comes to my own life I don't always see the good so please help me with this. Just one of my many prayers to you tonight. I know I'm doing the right thing, just help me to see the light.

After all my boxes are packed...
...my keys turned in
...one final drive down my favorite road
...my car gassed up and ready to go
...my last HSE shirt given away
...my voice lost at the last concert
...my last sweet tea from McAllisters
...my last cuss word at the lousy drivers in the round-abouts
...my last interaction with the rent-a-cops at my apartment complex
...my goodbyes said
...my tears gathered in a pile on tissues...

...As I pass Purdue at Exit 178 and the windmill farm on I-65 Northbound...heading into Illinois on 80/94, and then on 355 N to my new apartment, remember...
...I can now have those Sunday night dinners I've always wanted to have with my parents
...I can now take my "little" brother to a bar and have a beer with him - whenever we want
...I can get to know AJ's family even better and become closer with them
...I will be living with the love of my life
...we won't be driving every weekend to see each other (yay saving money on gas!)
...AJ and I can find a church. together. and go together. 
...new adventures await us
...I can now reconnect with my childhood friends from elementary school
...Phoenix can play with Cooper and Walley all the time
...I know AJ will help me anything and everything
...I don't have to cook for one and eat alone anymore
...movies during the week
...grocery shopping with AJ
...I'll be present for the Kaye family game nights and book club nights
...Chicago always has so much to do - plays, concerts, musicals, museums, the lake, etc. 
...dinner with my former high school English teacher once things calm down
...and perhaps a new job? career? something else God will lead me towards.
...not doing it all alone anymore; AJ and I will be "doing" life together
...Phoenix will have a daddy
...family family family family

God will make it happen. I know He will. 

Finishing this post, I realized it's just what I needed. 

I am ready. 

Ready to go home.

Dear God, it's me...tonight I ask that you help me to continue to see the good, the possibilities, and all the love I have in my future. Whatever happens in the next month or so, I know I am loved by You, AJ, and my family. Help me to recognize that, especially when I get stressed out. Please watch over me with my finances as I continue to try to find a job. Please lead me down the right path to a teaching job or another career field in which you know I will do good and enjoy. I trust that You have a plan for me and while I cannot see it clearly at the moment, it will all make sense someday. Thank you for guiding me to this point. Even though it's hard to say goodbye, the future is a bit unknown, and the uncertainty of "what ifs" is scary, I am confident that You will make it all OK. It's all gonna be ok. Most of all, it will be fine because of love. For once in my life, I get it. LOVE is the most important. With love, all things are truly possible. Thank you for helping me to see that, even in this time of slight fear. In YOUR name, Amen.