Thursday, May 17, 2012

Yeah, I know it's been a while. I'm embarrassed at how miserably I failed at my New Year's Resolution. I regret that I did not stay true to myself - and God - with my daily prayer blog. It's been a long, eventful, 2012 already. And while so much of it is/was for the better, I am beginning to struggle...all over again.

Tonight, out of nowhere, I had a major meltdown.

I need you God. More than I have needed you in a long time.

I have this ever-struggling feeling that I don't want to live my life anymore. One day I am happy - the next I am just plain sad. I've started pushing people away and out of my life - not wanting to get close to anyone for fear that I will lose them, hurt them, they will hurt me, or just because I want to be alone.

It's times like these that if I am ever alone - I need You more than ever.

I'm not sure if it's all that's happened this year. I'm not sure if it's looking through old photos of my past. Or looking through current photos of my friends' lives. Memories are the death of me. To me, everyone else seems so happy. Marriages - that are working out. Babies. Families together. Doing things, getting things done. Going places.

Me. I'm just stuck here. In this world of.....this world of....having everything - a job, healthy family, a place to live, great dog, a few close friends - and yet I feel as though my life is completely empty. My heart is empty of joy. Empty of everything, it seems. Except feelings of failure, sadness, regret, and hopelessness.

Why can't I be truly happy for the happiness of others. Sure, I am happy for them. But in my heart, I am envious. I wish I could feel that same happiness as they all appear to have.

People know - they've "heard" about my recent life-changes and I am still embarrassed about it all. Look, I can't even type the word.  Just my "life changes".  It really bothers me that no one - not ONE person - has asked ME about it - about anything. (ok, maybe like two of my friends.) It's as if no one cares about all that I am going through. Maybe they're nervous, or scared they might say the wrong thing. Maybe they don't know how to bring it up. I guess I get that. But it still makes it feel as though no one really cares. Maybe I've just done a good job at hiding the fact that all this IS a big deal. Everything that has happened DOES hurt, and DOES make me upset. Maybe I am good at covering it all up - making it look easy. Again, guess I brought this all on myself.

I'm just so embarrassed about it - about what my life has become. What I've turned it into. I want to run away. Get away from it all. Start a new life where no one knows who I am, or my past, and start all over again. Fresh. New. That's impossible though.

I guess maybe it's my fault. Maybe I should have asked for more help along the way.

With all this that has happened to my life - what I've done to myself - it has taken a toll on me. Sure, I brought it all on myself. I did this. But I never thought it would have caused me to want this -to just go away. Just run.

I want to cancel plans. To turn people down who I have made plans with. I'd rather be alone than suck someone else into my pit of childishness and blackness. No one deserves to be brought into my living sadness.

Sometimes all I can think about is how appealing my dreams are when I sleep...and how I would love to just sleep forever. To get away from real life. Forever.

I feel like I am a miserable failure. Sure, people tell me all the time I'm not - that I've accomplished so much. But if I don't think that or believe it - it really doesn't matter.  I've failed at one of the most important aspects of life - happiness.

Sometimes I'm not even sure if it's lack of happiness in my life. Or rather, the completeness of feeling nothing. Or the fullness of lacking joy. Or entirely being consumed by feeling unworthy.

I feel that I am always on this path of trying to find happiness. And at the moment I think I've reached it, some dark dark fuse lights up within me. And it drags me back to the depths of sadness.

Why is it that everyone else in the world seems to be happy?

Maybe it's true. Maybe we're not brought here on this earth to be happy - but instead to be Holy. Maybe all along, my true happiness is IN holiness. What a concept, right? Sounds so simple.

I need to turn to Him.

And so I am.

God, this is where I need You. Now. Here. I need help. I need Your guidance and support. Give me the strength to get on with my life. Give me the strength to be happy - with my life and with myself.  I'm not looking for just being content. Help me to find the gift of always searching for more - for being happy with the present, but always wanting to gain more - in YOUR name. Give me the strength to fight this depression, the devil, who seems to be so heavy on my heart.

Before I give in and it's too late.

And then I can just dream...

See, doesn't that sound so appealing....just dream.

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